sugar high ramblings
(originally written 2019-2021)
i bet you on the spot
i'll tell you who loves me not
everybody, everybody,
everybody loves me not.
i could play the game
but i (already) know who wins
so i guess i'll never reclaim
my virtues and further grow my sins.
i have no idea how some jellyfish can be immortal, but they're immortal all the same.
i may not know how a hummingbird manages to live while desperately flapping for its life,
but i do know that i love too much. how destructive it is,
it's immortal all the same.
pouring out my heart and soul
onto neon orange stick notes,
i wish you knew that when i looked at you
my eyes are saying i love you
i can't believe i've fallen for
someone who doesn't love me back
i'm pretty embarrassed but it's okay
because i never learn from my mistakes
everything's different again and again
i always learn the hard way that
hopeless romantics don't get anything
i'm blessed with ignorance and regret
i'm a nobody and i'm embarrassed
that now you know i'm a nobody
and i tried to be you but i'm not
close enough to the sun
how am i supposed to pretend
to not be head over heels
my heart's all over my cheeks
and falling out of my mouth
and it loves you too much
i can't tell if i want to call you
my dear, out of loneliness or boredom,
i want to call you my love, but
should it be as a friend or more?
im in love with boys who feel like coffee and scratchy blankets
and girls who want to run away and live in flower houses
and people who see the small things and melt like i do
but i melt alone beside them because maybe i didn't earn it.
boys who feel like claude monet and jackson pollock
all at the same time, a little too loud but not close enough.
as we descend further into chaos
i want to hold your hands however
cold they may be, but i could never
hold you that close, it might be blasphemy
commentary
as a grayromantic person who also has had obsessive crushes probably caused by my autism, having crushes on people feels like being on a sugar high: i fill myself until i feel sick, and i'm buzzing with electricity until i crash. all of these snippets were written about 3 guys i had crushes on in high school.
during this time, i was also grappling with the fact that i was out as trans at my school and most people i knew respected my name and pronouns. my feelings were very gay and i realized i was almost exclusively attracted to boys. i briefly identified as bi and omni, but those didn't stick in the long-run.