my mind's persistence
(originally written feb. 6th, 2024)
All the times I check nutrition labels and serving sizes,
the times I look at added sugars on my flabby thighs.
All the times I pray for calories to burn off my body,
the times I wait for the scale to not reflect reality.
All the times I step with my right and not with my left,
the times my world feels lopsided, I wish for it to be perfect.
All the times my mind plays tricks to even out my soul,
the times I feel invisible stains on everything I hold.
All the times I mind my tongue and force it into silence,
the times where, against my better judgement, I commit to anger and violence.
All the times I worry my mouth thinks without me,
the times I’m scared the bridges I’ve built will become debris.
All the times I’m scared that I’ve done everything wrong,
the times I fear I’ll never belong.
All the times I doubt myself into self-isolation,
the times my brain hands me nightmares of my own creation.
All the times I used to pray to a god who didn’t hear me,
the times I gave myself hope and cried myself to sleep.
All the times I believed I was followed by an angel,
the times I feel guilty for not being grateful.
All the times I beg for my brain to survive the nights,
the times I will my sanity to afford life’s price.
All the times I hope that I secure a spot in the afterlife,
the times I worry about what heaven’s like.
commentary
ocd sucks!